7holycrap holy crap, Life Lessons, The Book

The Mountain I Never Chose and Four Crazy Faith Friends; Remembering Dr. Marilyn Hickey


I love to hike where I live in Colorado. Growing up in Montana, I’ve always been an outdoors person and was outside all the time. Colorado has some amazing hiking spots, but our favorite area is around the mountain city of Conifer.

Conifer sits where the Front Range starts to really feel like mountains. Tall pine and fir trees crowd the hillsides. Dirt trails wind through thick forests, then suddenly open up to wide views of layered blue ridgelines and incredible peaks in the distance.

There are many small mountain towns that aren’t too far from Denver, but they still give you everything—from a challenging all-day hike that climbs steadily to a rocky overlook, to a short walk in the woods where you can hear the wind in the trees while you hang out with friends.

The Table at Starbucks and the Mountain I Didn’t Choose

The picture above is of the exact spot in the Starbucks where I wrote the last chapter of my book, Holy Crap—and where my friend Aaron and I normally stop when we finish a hike in Conifer.

That little corner table, with the big window looking out toward the foothills, became more than just a place to sit with a laptop and a cup of chai tea. I chose it to wrap up my book as a physical reminder of how God helped me traverse my incredible “mountain.”

My book was never meant to make me famous or rich. It was written to share my story so that—even in the face of what feels like insurmountable odds—maybe one person would hang on for just one more day. And even more importantly, I hoped they might take a step toward forgiving God if they’ve felt the same kind of anger toward Him that I had when I got sick.

That’s really where the trail of my story shifts—from a literal trail through Colorado pines to a long, painful climb I never wanted to take.

When the World Shrinks to a Couch and a Doctor’s Office

When I was sick with my eye condition, I didn’t spend a lot of time outside. Honestly, I didn’t spend a lot of time anywhere besides a doctor’s office or on the couch in our townhome.

For four years, I mostly laid around waiting for the worst to happen.

Those were dark days that filled my mind with questions about whether my life even had value. I started doing things like taking showers with my eyes closed so I could “practice” for when I went blind. That was where my mind lived—trying to brace myself for a future I was sure was coming.

It was a completely different landscape than the open, wide, hopeful feeling I get on a trail in Conifer. Instead of trees and sky, it was four walls, fear, and the sound of my own thoughts echoing around inside my head.

Beautifully Horrific, Gloriously Life-Altering

Of course, the thing I was most afraid of—total blindness—never happened.

Now I’m on the other side of that beautifully horrific and gloriously life-altering season. I use both of those words on purpose. I would never want to live through those years again. At the same time, I know I could not be who I am now in Christ without them.

I needed that time alone with myself to realize something hard and honest: I only knew God for everyone else—and not for me.

The wilderness I walked through on that couch was every bit as real as any stretch of rocky trail in Colorado. It stripped me down. It exposed what I truly believed. It forced me to see where my faith was rooted—and where it wasn’t.

The Three “Truths” That Were Suffocating Me

One of the challenges with how I was raised to believe was this idea: if I couldn’t believe or speak something over my life, then it absolutely would not happen. It was like I was in charge of my own destiny by how I spoke “God” over myself.

But at my lowest point, the things I was speaking were all wrapped up in what I now call my three truths at the time:

  • Pills – I was always trying some new medication that never worked. Bottles lined our shelves and counters.
  • Ills – I watched both of my eyes get worse and my vision slowly slip away. Every eye chart felt like a step backward.
  • Bills – On top of that, we were drowning in medical bills. At a few different points in my health journey, we almost lost our house.

Those three things—Pills, Ills, and Bills—felt more real to me than God did. They shaped my words, my outlook, and my hope, or lack of it.

The Church That Held the Rope

When I got sick, we were on staff as pastors at Orchard Road Christian Center in south Denver, under the ministry of Marilyn Hickey and her kids—her daughter, Sarah, and her son-in-law, Reece Bowling.

I can say without a doubt that our church was my lifeline through all of it. From beginning to end, I was shown nothing but support.

I remember one Sunday when Pastor Marilyn had me stand up in service. She said she was going to be one of my “four crazy faith” friends, like in Luke 5:18–26. She committed to pray for me every single day.

Think about that. Marilyn “God’s General” Hickey committed to pray for me.

She was traveling all over the world, speaking at conferences to hundreds of thousands of people, running a television ministry, and doing everything that comes with her position—yet she took time to pray for me.

I remember getting phone calls from Marilyn in the middle of the night because she was in South Korea speaking one time for Dr. Cho, or in some other far-off country. She would call to say a quick prayer and tell me not to give up.

Her prayers—and the prayers of my wife, my cousin Stephen, and another man in our church named Jim—were a cornerstone of my hope.

Spiritual Life Support

They prayed prayers I couldn’t pray for myself. I call it “spiritual life support.”

Just like physical life support, you can’t live on it forever, but for a season, it’s what keeps you going so you can recover. And I needed a heavy dose of prayer.

Marilyn stepped in and spoke life over my body.

The faithful prayers of a five-foot-ish fireball named Pastor Marilyn Hickey, my other three “crazy faith” friends, and my family helped make my healing journey possible—because I didn’t give up, and because they refused to let me face that mountain alone.

Hiking, Healing, and the Chair by the Window

Every time we finish a hike in Colorado, I glance over at the table and chair in Starbucks where my book came to a close and remember the incredible journey it has been—with my health and with my walk with God.

It’s almost like the outside trail and the inside story meet in that one spot:

  • A dusty pair of hiking boots under the table.
  • A coffee cup cooling next to a laptop.
  • The memory of dark, fearful nights.
  • The reality of God’s steady presence, even when I couldn’t feel it.

The same God who met me on that couch in our townhome is the same God who now meets me on mountain trails lined with aspen and pine, under huge Colorado skies.

Remembering Pastor Marilyn

When I heard that Pastor Marilyn Hickey passed away, I immediately thought of that commitment she made—to pray for me and to consistently speak life over me.

Her voice still echoes in my memory, like the way sound carries across a valley in the mountains. Simple phrases. Strong faith. No fluff. Just steady, stubborn belief in a God who still moves.

A Message for the One Who’s Ready to Give Up

If you’re in a place of desperation today, don’t give up. Please. Just hang on one more day.

Even as I type this, I am praying for every person who reads it—that it will reach you at just the right time and speak to just the right moment of vulnerability.

Today, don’t give up. Give God another chance by giving Him control of your life. You will not regret it.

And I’m passing on that “crazy faith” prayer to you—the same kind Pastor Marilyn prayed over me so many years ago.

Your Turn: Share Your Story

I’ve shared my mountain—both the one I hike in Colorado and the one I never wanted to climb in my health and faith.

Now I’d love to hear from you:

  • Have you walked through a season where you almost gave up?
  • Did someone become your “crazy faith” friend and stand in the gap for you?
  • Are you in the middle of your own Pills, Ills, and Bills right now?

Share your story or your thoughts on perseverance and faith. You never know who might need to hear exactly what you’ve walked through—and your words might be the very thing that helps someone hang on for one more day.

7holycrap holy crap, The Book

Is Pain from the Devil or From God? Excerpt from Holy Crap

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Below is a quick paragraph from Chapter 1 of my book about pain in life and where it comes from.

“Something important I want to make sure you understand before you continue reading is my perspective on the cause of sickness and on dealing with pain. I know there are at least two sides to why pain happens in life. There is a camp that believes sickness is purely a direct attack from satan that is not a part of the natural order of our existence on this earth, while others believe that God allows things to happen to teach us life lessons that we would never learn without them. This book is not to try to help you decide whether pain and sickness is directly a demonic attack or if it’s God allowing a necessary season of teaching.
The only fact I want you to realize, no matter what theological standpoint you come from, is that, if you don’t learn from the crap of life, it becomes purely a game of survival and not growth.”

When you are sick you don’t really care where it came from, you just want it to end.

Today, think of someone going through a struggle of some kind and reach out to them. Maybe say a prayer for them or just text them and let them know you are there. The other key is don’t get offended if they push you away or don’t respond at all. People going through pain react in all kinds of ways that may not make sense. Keep loving them and be available.

7holycrap The Book

Keep Calm and Shut Your Pie Hole

Keep Calm Pie Hole
From Chapter 13 – The Do’s and Don’ts

“One thing that is important to do with someone going through pain is just to spend time with them without talking about what they are going through.”

I have an entire chapter where I discuss what TO say and do and the things NOT to say or do with someone going through pain. Before I got sick I didn’t realize the power of having a totally unrelated conversation with someone could be so refreshing and actually help me get my mind off of the situation I was in. We don’t need to have all the right answers for people in pain and just by reaching out and offering to connect, you can have a greater positive impact than you could imagine.

If you have someone you know going through something painful it may be time to reach out to him or her and not attempt to psychologically deduce what is going on or ask 400 questions about their situation. When you actually DON’T ask them about all the details of where they are in life I am fairly sure you will pleasantly shock them. Just being there for people can be more than 1,000 words could ever say.

Have a great night and week!

7holycrap holy crap, Life Lessons, The Book

A Moment of Transparency with the Holy Crap Book

Transparency_0
I really can’t believe that my book is coming out on June 7th. It has been such an incredibly long and arduous journey getting my thoughts out of my head and into a manuscript. It has taken me 7 years to write and get my book to a publisher and the whole time I was sick was only 5 years.

Now that I am finished with the first phase of getting a finalized manuscript to the publisher I am thinking about what my book could mean to people who read it, good AND bad. I have had to come to grips with the fact that some people are not going to like what I have to say maybe because it is not at their literary level or it is too simple (for those people who want a deep theological discussion, which it is not) or that I strike a nerve in people and their relationship with God by talking about something that really hurts. I have ALWAYS said that if you don’t want to be criticized then don’t put yourself into the public eye. The problem with that philosophy for me is that my story, and what I felt like I learned through it, is more important to share with people who are lost in their hurt with no where to turn than for me to worry about public scrutiny.

Many people may think that I am completely secure in who I am because I joke a lot, talk a lot and like to be the center of attention all the time. I am telling you that there is a real struggle inside when thinking of dealing with hurtful words thrown at me when I am pouring out my heart in a book like Holy Crap. I know that God has been and is my strength but it is still something I know I will deal with as long as people are reading my book and giving feedback.

I guess this blog is a micro version of what my book will be for those who read it; transparent thoughts to help people relate to what I have been through and even currently go through. If God was big enough to get me through the hardest season of my life then He will be able to carry me through this next phase of the story.

Holy Crap! It’s almost time to share my story with the world! I pray that my book will bring healing where there has been hurt and hope where there has been despair. Thanks for coming along on the journey with me!

7holycrap The Book

Pre-Thanksgiving Book Snippet for your reading pleasure….Good things about being Sick

This is another section of my book I wanted to post before the thanksgiving craziness of tomorrow! Enjoy!

God designed the church body to lift one another up and be there for one another. I started something amazing with my Facebook account that I know completely came from God. I take a day of the week and update my status with asking for prayer requests that I will lift up during that day. It is amazing, the number of people who respond to me and ask for me to pray for them. I also encourage them to post testimonies about what God did through prayer to help encourage those still with a prayer request. I do not consider myself someone who knows everything about terminal disease or being sick for many years. I actually feel blessed that I could have a few years of pain to experience the things I did so I can somewhat relate to people of all walks of life who have some sort of crap going on in their lives. I was sick just long enough to have the “we don’t know what else we can do” conversations with the doctor, have a major test done on my body and be sent home to wait for the results hoping it wasn’t cancer. I was sick just long enough to have the privilege of spending some time at the Arthritis Clinic in the Remicade room, hearing so many heart-breaking stories.

I consider my experiences to be wonderful opportunities to have a peek into the lives of people who were dealing with life-altering disease and to encourage me in a new way to pray for them and believe for God’s best for them. I have let the pain I went through be a catalyst, of sorts, to help me understand how to pray and to have a heart that goes out to every person who has a serious need in their lives. If you don’t know Jesus as your best friend, then you really need to have that connection in your life to get a full grasp of what I am saying. This is more than just having “good and positive thoughts” about a person. It is doing something in the spiritual realm to lift a person’s needs before a God who will always be there to listen and to help you use your difficult circumstances for a greater good than just getting through the inevitable pain in life.

Holy Crap Moment:
Being a “strong” person, and just keeping good and positive 
thoughts going will not make real change in your life and probably won’t be enough to bring you through really tough times. When you have a relationship with Jesus though, you change from just trying to survive by your positive mental outlook alone, to now having a deeply personal connection to God, and it’s His love for you and His power at work in you, making real and lasting change.

7holycrap The Book

Excerpt from Chapter 6 of Holy Crap – Change Challenges

This excerpt from my book is one of the “change challenges” that I encourage readers to do. Enjoy!

2nd “Change Challenge”:  Have an attitude of gratefulness

Think about this statement: gratefulness provides an atmosphere for change.  This was another one of those principles which I didn’t understand until about 4 years into my sickness.  If you haven’t noticed, I am trying to set you up for greatness.  I want you to be able to read the pages of this book and learn from my mistakes.  I am not saying I did everything wrong, the past few years, but I did enough things wrong to maybe help you be further along than I was in my pain.
There is a great example of thankfulness in the book of Luke in the Bible about ten lepers (outcasts with a terrible skin disease)Luke 17:11-19 (NCV)    11 While Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem, He was going through the area between Samaria and Galilee. As He came into a small town, ten men who had a skin disease met Him there. They did not come close to Jesus but called to Him, “Jesus! Master! Have mercy on us!”
When Jesus saw the men, He said, “Go and show yourselves to the priests.” As the ten men were going, they were healed. When one of them saw that he was healed, he went back to Jesus, praising God in a loud voice.     Then He bowed down at Jesus’ feet and thanked Him. (And this man was a Samaritan.)  Jesus said, “Weren’t ten men healed? Where are the other nine? Is this Samaritan the only one who came back to thank God?” Then Jesus said to him, “Stand up and go on your way. You were healed because you believed.”

Did you read those verses correctly? There were ten lepers who had an incredibly terrible skin disease and were outcasts to society. It says that nine went on their merry way, yet only ONE came back to actually thank Jesus for what He did!  This portion of scripture always floors me with the contrast of gratefulness and ungratefulness, all in the same section of scripture.  The one made the effort to go back to where Jesus was to thank Him, but the others so quickly forgot that, not only were they healed but an amazing lifestyle change had just been given to them.

I believe gratefulness is a key element in making it through a rough time in your life.  It takes the sting out of a painful situation by focusing on what you DO have instead of being concerned with what you DON’T have.

7holycrap The Book

One Doctor Down, A Whole Lot More to GO (excerpt from my book “Holy Crap”)

Below is an excerpt from my book I am working on today. I can remember this day like it was yesterday and the pain like it was last night. Praying today for all of those going through a painful situation in their lives.

I remember the day when I came to the end of my care with Dr. Goldstein, my ophthalmologist. Our youth were getting ready to go on a missions trip to Brazil. It had been planned and arranged for many months by Yolanda and my youth staff, I had done the recruitment for it, and I had every intention of leading the students on it. But at the doctor’s office, he told me that there was nothing else that he could do for me, and he sent me home. I knew that I was not going to be able to go on the missions trip with my students because of the condition of my eye. I lay on the bed with Yolanda and just looked at her and asked what was going to happen to me? It was one of the darkest hours of my life.

Holy Crap Moment

            If you are in a place of despair with something going on in your life, please know that Jesus cares for you; don’t give up.
Even as I type this section, I am praying for your hope to be sustained as you read these words. See. There IS someone
praying for you in your situation and believing you are going to make it!!

I knew that people were praying for me, but I couldn’t even pray for myself. All those years in Royal Rangers at church (Christian Boy Scouts), all the years on the Bible Quiz team, all those Wednesday nights growing up in high school and leading worship for the youth group, four and a half years earning two Bible college degrees, ten years and four churches of leading youth ministry, and I couldn’t even say the name of Jesus. As I think back, that is probably a harder realization than even the pain I was going through at that point. All those years of doing “good Jesus stuff,” and I couldn’t even say His name. You may ask, “Brian, why are you telling me this? I thought this was a book to show me that all I need to say is “Jesus” and everything is taken care of.” I am not discounting the power of the name of Jesus, but I am saying that I realized from my pain, during those years, that I didn’t really know who Jesus was. I could read about him, sing about him, and even preach about him but I didn’t know him.

7holycrap The Book

Holy Crap book Update!

The first draft of my book is done and I am having my second meeting with my editor next week! I was thinking about the timing and how long it took me to finish the first draft of my book and realized that it took me as long to finish writing my book as the five years I was sick. At first I thought, “what a slacker!” But then I was talking with my wife about all of the things going on in the world and that this book is in God’s timing and really happening at a perfect time.

I will keep everyone updated on the final timing of everything and when it will be available. I am thinking of doing an ebook release first just to get it out there and then prayerfully getting a publishing house to pick it up. I am just trusting that God will get it into the hands of the right people to have the highest level of effectiveness. Please be praying with me that my book will be a tool that God can use for His glory in the lives of people ready to give up or who think they can’t trust God anymore.