7holycrap Holy Crap, Life Lessons, Love of Jesus

The ONLY Reason Why I Didn’t Kill Myself

jesus-reaching-down
Who would have thought that a simple kid from Montana, who grew up in church all his life and went to Bible College to became a pastor, would ever have thoughts of suicide and killing himself. Well, that was the situation I found myself in when I got sick with an eye disease that the doctors knew I had but could not find the root cause. I can say that there are not many things that I am afraid of in this life but blindness is certainly one of them. When I started to have vision problems my whole world shut down and I felt like I was drowning in my own skin. It was like I was suffocating from the inside and no matter where I went I was overwhelmed with grief and despair. This led to thoughts of suicide and wanting to end my life because I didn’t see a way out and was not willing to even consider a life shift like going blind.

I am now on the other side of my eye episode and I can say that I appreciate everything I learned emotionally from what I dealt with for over four years. All the people that God put in my life and the times of being at the end of myself when I would find hope in so many ways that I believe God provided for me.

I was listening to a song by Hillsong Young and Free called “Passion” last week and I just started to cry uncontrollably because I had a FULL realization of why I never went through with my thoughts to kill myself. It was Jesus. Him alone. Not positive thoughts from people, not kind words, or money people gave us so we would not lose our house. Even though ALL those things were great and had a part in me making it, without JESUS I would be dead. I am not trying to make people that only believe in positive thoughts mad, but I know that the good intentions and positive thoughts of others is not what brought me out of my cold, dark, lonely and suffocating spiral. I found God in a way that church could not encourage me to believe and school could not teach me to understand. In fact, for all the things that I learned in school and the love I feel even at church today, without a revelation of God’s passionate love for me, those things would be out of reach in my mind. Even listening to that song right now as I type this in a coffee shop in Denver I am tearing up because I FOUND Jesus. Here are the words to the song below. I typed them all because the whole song is such a great illustration.

Passion (Hillsong Young and Free – Youth Revival)
In the grove, when your cup seemed too much
With the worst yet to come
I was on your mind
On the cross, as the crowds cursed your name
Heaven’s eyes turned away
Still you thought of me

I know you love me so

Through it all, you were thinking of me
Even death couldn’t keep all your love for me
But you died, so that I could have life
There’s no greater love than this

I know you love me so [x2]

Your love is still the same
Beginning and forever
I sing of all your passion won for me
I sing of all your love first done in me

Your love will never change
Beginning and forever
I sing of all your passion won for me
I sing of all your love first done in me

I found you [x6]

You’re brighter than the sun
Risen from the shadows
Seated on the throne of majesty
Higher than the skies and all the sea

I found you [x6]
I love you [x6]

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/youth-revival-live/id1081955392

The devil wanted me to kill myself so I would not have a voice in people’s life of encouragement and joy. I am more determined now than ever to be the man of God I need to be for this hurt, lost and dying world.

I can tell you today that kind words, positive thoughts and “good vibrations” will not carry you through the darkest days of your life. I will NEVER apologize for my relationship to Jesus and KNOW that He is the only answer. If you cry out to him, he will hear you and answer you. If you need help, please message me and reach out. Love you all and pray that Jesus reveals himself to you today in a new way!

Don’t Quit. Don’t Stop. Don’t resist the love of Jesus.

7holycrap Holy Crap, Life Lessons

The Bible ALREADY Knows What You Will Go Through

power-of-the-bible-2
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Revelation 2:10
Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life.

The two verses above are just a couple of examples in the Bible that talk about adversity in life and highlight the importance of where our MINDS are set more than any external circumstance we will encounter.

I have been listening to the Bible in the mornings on the way to work and then reading the Bible at night before I go to bed. While doing this I have made an important observance when it comes to direction from the Bible. Take the two verses above for example. The fact that the Bible even has to address being anxious in Philippians and suffering in Revelation identifies the fact that whomever reads these verses will probably be dealing with those exact issues in some way.

I think the impression sometimes can be that as long as we follow God, speak the right scriptures and generally do all the right things in life that we will have it fairly easy. Or, that the Bible is just a book of “ideal thoughts” that are speaking from the best-case scenario. Both of those thoughts are wrong and can steer us AWAY from the Bible instead of TOWARDS it when trouble in life hits. I know that when I was in the middle of my crap that I had fallen into both of those thought processes and experienced the consequences of that mental decision. The things I was focused on was blindness, killing myself, losing my house, being poor and basically total and utter failure. The Bible is so far from those things because the Bible is written from an internal perspective understanding that circumstances in life will be against you at some point in your existence on this earth.

There are no promises anywhere in the Bible that says the circumstances of life will always be in your favor. In fact, it highlights just the opposite BUT gives reassurances of better outcomes purely based on faith that God is in control.

When we read the Bible as a practical guidebook for every and all situations then we can fully access it’s power throughout life. Knowing and accepting the truths of the Bible does not keep circumstances away from us but it gives us a firm anchor and mental fortitude to resist the temptation to fold under the guaranteed pressures of life.

Today is the day to start to trust God and his plan for your life. That starts with surrendering your life to him. You can simply say, “God I want you to be in control of my life and I surrender to you.” Don’t overcomplicate a relationship with Jesus. He simply loves you no matter where you came from our what you have done. Difficult circumstances in life will always happen but your reactions to those things are a decision that starts with trusting God and following his lead.

You can do it. Don’t give up. I am praying for you.

 

 

 

 

7holycrap Holy Crap, Life Lessons

The Simple Truth of God’s Love

gods-love-for-you

We have been trained to believe that we need to become something before we can be accepted by God. The truth is that we can NEVER become who we can be without accepting God’s love for us just the way we are.

Your Mission Today and EVERYDAY: Accept God’s love for you and watch your life begin to change for the better!

7holycrap Life Lessons

I am a Failure and it Feels GREAT!

failure
This morning I woke up thinking about prayer that started last week for a little 5 week old baby named Lyneigh. She is a child of a girl and extended family that I helped pastor when I was a youth pastor many years ago. This baby had been placed in the hospital and was not given a chance to be able to breathe on her own because of brain complications that led to her needing to be on a ventilator.

Over the weekend I was checking up on her with her aunt and was told that the doctors informed the family that she would probably not be able to breathe on her own if they removed her from the oxygen. When I read the text, my heart sank and I suddenly lost faith. For whatever reason this news about Lyneigh defeated me. As soon as I read it, I was thinking about going to a funeral for a 5 week old baby, the mental and emotional stress on the mom and dad, and the general sadness that comes from losing a child so young. It was the weirdest thing in my mind. I was still praying for the situation but was making mental preparations for letting myself down by God not answering a prayer that I was praying for this little girl and her family.

But God had other plans. Lyneigh was eventually removed from the oxygen and is living! She and the family have a long road, but it is not to a graveside service but to helping their little girl live a full and healthy life.

Then the strangest thing happened. I suddenly felt like a FAILURE after this good news. I read a post on Facebook from a friend who was being transparent to the family about some of the same things I was thinking and it actually inspired me to write this post. All the years of seeing God move and do amazing things for people/families while I was dealing with my own eye issues and I was ready to throw in the towel. I INSTANTLY had a rush of thoughts like “Why did I doubt God’s power? Why did I give up so easily this time? Is it that I am not spending enough time with God to really know His heart? I laid hands on this little girl and prayed for her but did I really even believe the words I was speaking over her? Was I secretly thinking in my mind after seeing this baby hooked up to so many wires that this was not going to end well and I just needed to try and be there as much as I could?”

Then God told me a very simple yet mind-blowing statement that set me straight and, I think, helped me for the rest of my life with prayers I will pray for others. He simply said, “It’s not about you, it’s about me.” For years and years I thought that if I would just pray the right “spiritual incantation directed at the foul demon of whatever” that I could muster enough power to overtake the enemy. I am not saying that it is not good to pray prayers that get yourself or others motivated but just realize that the volume of your prayers do not increase the chance that God will hear what you are saying and pay MORE attention to you. This little baby and situation has changed me and how I will communicate with God. After God spoke this to me, I understood that my feelings of FAILURE were actually an example of God working miracles from me just by being obedient to pray.  I realized that when I am obedient to pray and just do my part to ask God for His power that I can trust and rely on the fact that He has got the whole situation in his hands. I will no longer just pray to “get something” but will focus on “giving to God” the situation at hand.

Maybe you are in the same boat with me but thoughts you had from a situation that actually DIDN’T have a happy ending like this one. Maybe you are questioning if you had enough faith and it just didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. Well the same is true for you as the statement God spoke to me, ‘It’s not about you, it’s about God.” I can firmly say that we will all probably NEVER know why some are healed and others are not. This is not making an excuse to those feeling the pain and sting of death but just reminding all of us that the only real “control” we have in this life is where we put our trust and hope. I have never regretted ONE DAY of giving God control of my life but I still deal with the questions of why every so often. I don’t see it as a sign of weakness in my faith but actually a sign of strength in who God is to me and being able to sustain me in all situations if I will just let Him.