The ONLY Reason Why I Didn’t Kill Myself

Who would have thought that a simple kid from Montana, who grew up in church all his life and went to Bible College to became a pastor, would ever have thoughts of suicide and killing himself. Well, that was the situation I found myself in when I got sick with an eye disease that the doctors knew I had but could not find the root cause. I can say that there are not many things that I am afraid of in this life but blindness is certainly one of them. When I started to have vision problems my whole world shut down and I felt like I was drowning in my own skin. It was like I was suffocating from the inside and no matter where I went I was overwhelmed with grief and despair. This led to thoughts of suicide and wanting to end my life because I didn’t see a way out and was not willing to even consider a life shift like going blind.

I am now on the other side of my eye episode and I can say that I appreciate everything I learned emotionally from what I dealt with for over four years. All the people that God put in my life and the times of being at the end of myself when I would find hope in so many ways that I believe God provided for me.

I was listening to a song by Hillsong Young and Free called “Passion” last week and I just started to cry uncontrollably because I had a FULL realization of why I never went through with my thoughts to kill myself. It was Jesus. Him alone. Not positive thoughts from people, not kind words, or money people gave us so we would not lose our house. Even though ALL those things were great and had a part in me making it, without JESUS I would be dead. I am not trying to make people that only believe in positive thoughts mad, but I know that the good intentions and positive thoughts of others is not what brought me out of my cold, dark, lonely and suffocating spiral. I found God in a way that church could not encourage me to believe and school could not teach me to understand. In fact, for all the things that I learned in school and the love I feel even at church today, without a revelation of God’s passionate love for me, those things would be out of reach in my mind. Even listening to that song right now as I type this in a coffee shop in Denver I am tearing up because I FOUND Jesus. Here are the words to the song below. I typed them all because the whole song is such a great illustration.

Passion (Hillsong Young and Free – Youth Revival)
In the grove, when your cup seemed too much
With the worst yet to come
I was on your mind
On the cross, as the crowds cursed your name
Heaven’s eyes turned away
Still you thought of me

I know you love me so

Through it all, you were thinking of me
Even death couldn’t keep all your love for me
But you died, so that I could have life
There’s no greater love than this

I know you love me so [x2]

Your love is still the same
Beginning and forever
I sing of all your passion won for me
I sing of all your love first done in me

Your love will never change
Beginning and forever
I sing of all your passion won for me
I sing of all your love first done in me

I found you [x6]

You’re brighter than the sun
Risen from the shadows
Seated on the throne of majesty
Higher than the skies and all the sea

I found you [x6]
I love you [x6]

The devil wanted me to kill myself so I would not have a voice in people’s life of encouragement and joy. I am more determined now than ever to be the man of God I need to be for this hurt, lost and dying world.

I can tell you today that kind words, positive thoughts and “good vibrations” will not carry you through the darkest days of your life. I will NEVER apologize for my relationship to Jesus and KNOW that He is the only answer. If you cry out to him, he will hear you and answer you. If you need help, please message me and reach out. Love you all and pray that Jesus reveals himself to you today in a new way!

Don’t Quit. Don’t Stop. Don’t resist the love of Jesus.

God’s Love and Our Moronic Activity

This past weekend I went on a run and pray. I love running in Colorado because even though it is supposed to snow in two days the path that I run on is completely clear. It is wonderful to be able to run pretty much through the entire year so it gives me some great time outside to pray for family and friends.

I also love observing the scenery around me including the people that I pass who are out on the trail enjoying the day. Today I passed a couple getting married by the river (even though everyone in the wedding party looked fairly cold), lots of birds and other wildlife and many families out with their kids. One mom I passed had 3 girls that all had scooters, skateboards or some alternate form of transportation. Her face said it all; “Get it ALL out of your system kids because momma is VERY exhausted and doesn’t want to have to deal with you all when we get home. In fact, it may be time for bed for everyone at 4:30pm when we get home.”

Even though I tease about her facial expression, you could see that she was there for one reason and one reason only; to wear out her kids so they would behave later on in the evening.

Then I passed a dad who had one kid in a stroller and the other on a small scooter. The kid was no older than five and kept crossing the centerline riding into my side of the trail. He would patiently pick up the scooter with the kid on it and reposition her to go straight and give her the best chance of staying on her side of the trail. This happened probably three times from when I saw them and I am sure this correcting procedure happened their entire walk. He was patient and only walked about two miles an hour. Basically, I witnessed two opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to parents interacting with kids on the trail.

When I got done running I felt like God say to me, “The patient dad is how I feel about humanity and those I created. I am not impatiently just putting up with people but I am a loving father that picks up the scooter, repositions it and waits patiently with you to figure out that there is a safe path or a harmful path that will get you run over.”

Maybe you think that God is up in heaven with a billy club waiting to beat you over the head and bring correction if you make some kind of mistake in life that even causes family and friends around to react with anger or disgust. If you will let him, you can ask God to help you by allowing him to grab the “scooter”of your life and reposition it correctly.

The key is asking God to help make those corrections in your life and recalibrate you for the better. The way you can tell if you need recalibration in an area of life is if something you are doing/thinking was birthed out of some kind of hurt. Just like that small kid who needed correction last weekend on the trail, they didn’t even realize that if they would keep heading in the wrong direction that it would be bad for them and may have even caused hurt.

Some of you reading this need to listen to that “tugging” in your heart right now and ask God for help.

If you need some to pray with then please click here and send me a message. I will do my best to help you and help believe for AMAZING things this year in life.

I am praying for you!

Caution: Your Candidate for President MAY Lose on Tuesday

I cannot remember an election season with so much anger and dissension as this one. I have never in my adult life gotten into an argument with a friend about the presidential election EVER but cannot say that anymore. I absolutely understand the passion that people have for the current election process that is happening at this time in our country. I also have a couple of reminders for us ALL concerning the current election and what the Bible says because the fact is that there is a chance that the person you are voting for on Tuesday will potentially lose.  

1. Make sure that your temper is in check and not just your flesh trying to “defend the honor of God and country.” 

James 1:20
– For the anger of man does not promote the righteous life that God desires 

I mentioned in the opening paragraph about how I got in an argument with someone about the presidential election and realized that I moved into the flesh and jeopardized a friendship that was more important that the result of the election. We need to pray and vote according to the Bible in every way but when we let our personal passion for something override what we are saying to someone (not just about the election) then we get in the flesh and become destructive.

2. No matter the result of the election, we need to pray for our country and our leaders

1 Timothy 2:1-3
– The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Savior God wants us to live. 

I am in full agreement that the results of this coming election will most likely determine the condition and state of the United States for probably the remainder of my life. I am doing my part to vote the principles of the Bible but I cannot discount the directive from Paul who wrote these words when he was living under the rule of Nero who would burn Christians on stakes to light his gardens. I say this because, even to that extreme, God took care of the church and actually GREW the church in times of persecution. We need to commit to praying for WHOMEVER wins the presidency.

Like I mentioned before, I totally understand the passion that people have for their candidate in this election cycle but the President of the United States does not help give me direction, or peace or my purpose. Those things are reserved for my relationship to God the King of the universe who can actually MOVE the hearts of Kings and Magistrates and owns the cattle on a thousand hills. That is who I am putting MY hope in.

For this country to change it doesn’t need a Republican, Democrat or Independent in the White House. It needs people who call themselves followers of Christ to step up and BE the love, the arms, the tears and heart of Jesus to a lost and dying world desperately looking for peace and not finding it. Let them find it in YOU.

A Few Complicated Steps to Help America

So many people posting on Facebook and other social media sites about the past couple of days and the turmoil in our country. First and foremost, only God can fix what is happening in our country right now but I wanted to throw out a few complicated suggestions for us all. 

1. Smile at a stranger.

This isn’t for some ulterior motive. Just smile. You would be AMAZED how many people smile back! 

2. Look for opportunities to love instead of hate. 

For me, Jesus was ALL about love that was reckless and unconditional and I want to walk in His steps.

3. Stop thinking that anything you do won’t make a difference.

Never forget that we ARE culture. Change ourselves and we change culture. 

I am committed to pray for our country, what seems to be misguided leadership and all the people groups who make up this great country. Have a great weekend and believing that our BEST days are ahead for ALL Americans.

The Supreme Court Decision about Gay Marriage Made Me a Better Christian


The past week’s supreme court decision concerning gay marriage has been a lot to process. I have read a lot of things that I agree with and things I disagree with (on both sides of the subject) since social media caught fire with everything. I do know, however, that this decision and the climate of our country right now has helped me become a better Christian. Now you may say, “Brian, how has this decision that you disagree with from the supreme court made you a better follower of Christ?” It has helped me evaluate what I really believe and the level of persecution I am willing to endure because of my beliefs.

I think the decision to restrict and limit my Facebook interaction was wise because I can tell you that it doesn’t feel real good when I see posts on my feed that are basically calling me a homophobic bigot.  I have noticed that I am not getting mad at the posts or people who share or like articles like this but it makes me cry and have compassion on them. My question for people in the church is who is going to cry for the people we believe are broken and hurting? Who is going to keep relationships with people we disagree with so that we can be a safe harbor for people to ask us for help or to pray with them or just to listen to them?

In my opinion, the climate of our country has partly to do with people in the church (including myself) who disagree with people who are against basic Biblical values, but have not shown people a different way to live. We gossip as much as anyone, the divorce rate is as high or even higher than people who don’t profess a relationship with Jesus and the list goes on and on and on. I have been a follower of Christ pretty much my entire life and I can say, that without a doubt, most Christian’s classify sins as “the really bad ones” and the “ones that everyone does so we just kind of look the other way.” I believe that it does say sexual acts with the same sex are a sin but it also says that sex outside of marriage is wrong or that if I look lustfully at a woman that I have already committed sin in my heart. We all have struggles that we deal with and have the option to present those things to God and have him help us walk through life or we take on the job ourselves and try and figure stuff out on our own.

The one thing I appreciate about the Bible and my relationship with Jesus is that there is no “sin-o-meter” that says some sins are really, really bad and others are ok and that God will let slide. The reason why these things are in the Bible is because God knows that they are not healthy for us. We need to all be the best citizens of heaven AND earth that we can be. We all fall short sometimes, but as believers in Christ, we should always strive to let Jesus shine through us and accept and love EVERYONE we come in contact with. In fact, I feel like I try and go out of my way to be more friendly and more loving to people who I disagree with on subjects like same sex relationships. My intent is not to patronize people but to show them that I can disagree with a lifestyle choice but still love them. If they don’t believe me it doesn’t matter because I know that I did my part to show a different kind of follower of Christ who can love and still disagree with them. Jesus NEVER expected to get the same kind of response he was giving when he loved anyone in the Bible, and as a followers of Christ, we should not expect anything in return either. If we love someone and expect something back in return that is actually CONDITIONAL love and not Jesus’ UNCONDITIONAL love.

So the reason I can say that the supreme court decision has made me a better Christian is that I am not just considering in my mind what I can LOSE (tax exempt status as a pastor, being fined or thrown in jail just because I believe something different about marriage, etc.) but what I can actually GIVE to those people that hate me because of my beliefs. I know that by sharing what I believe it is not going to change people’s minds about what THEY believe. I must love LOUDER than anything in my life and keep my convictions about what I think the Bible says about ALL sins, then maybe, just maybe someone will inquire why I STILL love them and can disagree with their actions. Jesus was the greatest example of love to ever walk the earth, but EVERY story in the Bible about his love didn’t stop at the act of love. There was always an inquiry or a transitional point where people who were not happy with the life they were living would be changed by the convictions of Christ. Love started the conversations, but Jesus’ convictions brought the healing. I have to believe that if the words I read in the Bible are true, then God will give me the strength to set the example for healing that I believe we ALL need, not just people who deal with their sexual identity.