7holycrap Holy Crap, Life Lessons, Love of Jesus

The ONLY Reason Why I Didn’t Kill Myself

jesus-reaching-down
Who would have thought that a simple kid from Montana, who grew up in church all his life and went to Bible College to became a pastor, would ever have thoughts of suicide and killing himself. Well, that was the situation I found myself in when I got sick with an eye disease that the doctors knew I had but could not find the root cause. I can say that there are not many things that I am afraid of in this life but blindness is certainly one of them. When I started to have vision problems my whole world shut down and I felt like I was drowning in my own skin. It was like I was suffocating from the inside and no matter where I went I was overwhelmed with grief and despair. This led to thoughts of suicide and wanting to end my life because I didn’t see a way out and was not willing to even consider a life shift like going blind.

I am now on the other side of my eye episode and I can say that I appreciate everything I learned emotionally from what I dealt with for over four years. All the people that God put in my life and the times of being at the end of myself when I would find hope in so many ways that I believe God provided for me.

I was listening to a song by Hillsong Young and Free called “Passion” last week and I just started to cry uncontrollably because I had a FULL realization of why I never went through with my thoughts to kill myself. It was Jesus. Him alone. Not positive thoughts from people, not kind words, or money people gave us so we would not lose our house. Even though ALL those things were great and had a part in me making it, without JESUS I would be dead. I am not trying to make people that only believe in positive thoughts mad, but I know that the good intentions and positive thoughts of others is not what brought me out of my cold, dark, lonely and suffocating spiral. I found God in a way that church could not encourage me to believe and school could not teach me to understand. In fact, for all the things that I learned in school and the love I feel even at church today, without a revelation of God’s passionate love for me, those things would be out of reach in my mind. Even listening to that song right now as I type this in a coffee shop in Denver I am tearing up because I FOUND Jesus. Here are the words to the song below. I typed them all because the whole song is such a great illustration.

Passion (Hillsong Young and Free – Youth Revival)
In the grove, when your cup seemed too much
With the worst yet to come
I was on your mind
On the cross, as the crowds cursed your name
Heaven’s eyes turned away
Still you thought of me

I know you love me so

Through it all, you were thinking of me
Even death couldn’t keep all your love for me
But you died, so that I could have life
There’s no greater love than this

I know you love me so [x2]

Your love is still the same
Beginning and forever
I sing of all your passion won for me
I sing of all your love first done in me

Your love will never change
Beginning and forever
I sing of all your passion won for me
I sing of all your love first done in me

I found you [x6]

You’re brighter than the sun
Risen from the shadows
Seated on the throne of majesty
Higher than the skies and all the sea

I found you [x6]
I love you [x6]

The devil wanted me to kill myself so I would not have a voice in people’s life of encouragement and joy. I am more determined now than ever to be the man of God I need to be for this hurt, lost and dying world.

I can tell you today that kind words, positive thoughts and “good vibrations” will not carry you through the darkest days of your life. I will NEVER apologize for my relationship to Jesus and KNOW that He is the only answer. If you cry out to him, he will hear you and answer you. If you need help, please message me and reach out. Love you all and pray that Jesus reveals himself to you today in a new way!

Don’t Quit. Don’t Stop. Don’t resist the love of Jesus.

7holycrap Life Lessons

I Just Threw Away my Dex Phone Book

My new Dex phone book was delivered yesterday. It was like Christmas with the excitement of waiting for that sucker. Of course, I am kidding. Yolanda and I ALWAYS take it and put it into the recycle bin because we have so many other ways to access the information in a big, clunky out of date book.

The phone book that was delivered to my house, by someone, had to have a team of sales people selling ad space, a planning/design team who had to put all the copy together, the factory that produced the paper, the printers that made all the copies, the binding of the books together, the team of people to box them up, the trucks to deliver them to people who would distribute them and that is not to mention the plastic bags that everything was in…and I just took it and threw it in the recycle bin. Now, unless you are a “Power Team” member (said for all you old skool churchies who know what I am talking about) the phone book, paper version, has become pretty much obsolete.

Now think about your life. How many times do we do the same things the same way “just because” and we waste time and resources that could be better used somewhere else? Maybe that is with trying to find peace in your heart and mind. You do the things that you have always done but don’t even know that there is an easier way to find that hope, peace and contentment in life. Jesus offers FULL ACCESS to all the things you are searching for in life if you will just ask. A conversation with Him doesn’t need to be like a big, clunky, out-of-date phone book. It just starts with a “search of information” about what He has to offer. In the Bible, there is a verse in Luke 11:9 that says that if you seek God that you WILL find him.

Maybe you are in a situation right now and you need peace that is above the crap you are in. It’s as simple as saying the name of “Jesus” and watching your situation change for the better. Praying for you today.